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Manchester

Dawn of the Dead

We all know that when the zombie holocaust comes to the UK, it's going to start in London. The film people have made that clear.

Which is fortunate, as the people of Manchester will have a decent amount of time to prepare...

Troops

First, numbers. To be ready for the walking dead, you'll need quite an army – which is where the enormous capacity of the Armitage Centre (Fallowfield – Whitworth Lane, M14 6HE) and Manchester Aquatics Centre (Academic District - 2 Booth Street East, M13 9SS) will come in. The coldness of the swimming pool in the latter will toughen up any wimps in doublequick time.

It starts...

Of course, Piccadilly will be the place they hit first. Specifically, Primark (City Centre – 106-122 Market Street, M1 1WA). It has 'feeding ground' written all over it, with its ever-present throng of bargain-hunters.

Fortunately, you can faze them with a trip to nearby alternative emporium Afflecks (Northern Quarter – 52 Church St, M4 1PW) for some dazzling outfits. We recommend rock gear, as all that metal might just save your life when it comes to the, er, crunch. You can also use a wall of miserable teenagers with their zombie looks to put the real ones off the scent.

whats on in Machester zombies events

Loot loot loot

Tearing down Market Street, Selfridges (Millennium Quarter - 1 Exchange Square, M3 1BD) just has to be the next stop. Why? The food court, of course. You've spent all those Saturdays drifting in hoping they'll have tasters on the counters – so you don't have to shell out £15 for a small piece of fancy cheese on fancy bread, with a crayfish balanced on top, that you know will taste amazing. Now is your time. Just grab it all. You'll need it for the inevitable seige.

While we're on the subject, perhaps also grab some of Delia's tinned favourites from Marks and Spencer (7 Market Street, M1 1WT) next door. They'll last longer. But don't forget a tin opener. Now, back into Selfridges for some more looting. You may need some decent audio-visual equipment for the siege; or life afterwards. And slaying – who could even think of beginning to knock the undead's heads off without some kind of soundtrack?

The last stand

As Manchester's pub life is largely built around the bus routes anyway, head for The Friendship Inn in Fallowfield (353 Wilmslow Road, M14 6XS). Its raised position and fortress-like structure make it an ideal vantage point. If you're lucky, some of the toughened non-students of the area will still be there to help. Sadly, this will end when a good few of your companions drink too much Harp lager and wander ill-advisedly into the newish conservatory area, guaranteeing a swift death as they're spotted by the hungry mob.

But your survival instinct must prevail. Using their mashing as an opportunity, while the walking dead are distracted, hop back on a bus and head for the Woodstock (West Didsbury - 139 Barlow Moor Road, M20 2DY), to begin your seige. It's big and country-house like – yet, if you don't know it's there, fairly well-hidden by its leafy surroundings. Like so many others, the zombies will struggle to find it and head to the Metropolitan instead.

The Woodstock has two floors (thus a good view), board games and a pub quiz – so at least you're less likely to end up killing each other while you wait for the Americans. Well, their military is clearly going to swing by and sort it all out, so there's no point stretching yourself.

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